Why Me?

Why me?
How come I have deal with diabetes so early in my life?
What did I do wrong to deserve a life of constant vigilance of my sugars?

There are days when you just have to lie in bed and here these questions for which there are really no answers. I guess the big problem is that there are no answers to these questions. Science can't tell us, as yet, what is the main reason for our diabetes. If only there was a test that can tell you why your system is not performing to its best abilities.

The why me question is a particular brutal. My brain has two sets of reactions to it.
On a good day, ones filled with eternal sunshine and my optimistic self ruling my life, I always tell myself, because I can handle it. I feel like it is just another test in this life and you have to do your best to pass it. I see how my life is changed for the better and now I watch what I eat, get some regular exercise and keep myself in better health than ever before. I think that I was given this disease to learn and share and disseminate knowledge to others that are going to follow me. Maybe it is a sign to become more active in my community to change habits and cultures, to promote healthy living in others. I know that now when I see a 16 year old kid who is overweight and smoking a cigarette, I want to go over and tell him or her, watch yourself kid, the specter of diabetes is already hanging on your head. When I go to the temple and see people gorging themselves on the white rice and white breads, and then stepping up to the table for the second helping of the sweet, I want to get back behind the table and tell them to balance their meals so that they can have a longer more prosperous lives.
On a bad day, one where the sky is like Seattle in November and I am pessimistic like my mother, I am ready to throw the towel in. I tell myself, maybe my body was not made to last longer than what it is supposed to. What I do or don;t do is not going to make a difference in when is all shuts down. We all have to go away some day anyway. Maybe the next life would be better, I am a believer in reincarnation. I look at the headache of constantly watching my food and obsessing about where I can eat when I am out of the house. I remember the days of low sugar when I was eating the glyburide. I remember the taste of chocolate cake melting in my mouth. I remember the sweet and salt mix of a butter pecan ice cream. I want to just sit down and give a good cry. I want to blame someone else for my disease, but there is no one to blame it on. Life seems unduly hard and unfair.

Last night was a bad night for me. I am going to make this day be a good one. Maybe I will skip checking the sugar for one day. Leave the meter at home. Not obsess about constantly checking the clock to make the time to check my sugar exactly 2 hours after my meals.

Comments

NewsBlogger said…
Hi there Anil, I AM OUT SEARCHING FOR THE LATEST INFORMATION ON diabetes treatment and found your site.
Although Why Me? wasn't exactly, what I was looking for, it certainly got my attention and interest. I see row why I found your page when I was looking for diabetes treatment related information, and I am glad I stopped by even though this isn’t a perfect match.

Fritz

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